Going The Distance

*sorry in advance..this is a long one*

I hardly know where to begin. I'm pretty overwhelmed actually. I completed something that a year ago I never thought possible. In fact, about 20 minutes before I crossed the finish line I'm not quite sure I thought it was possible, no matter how much determination I had.

The night before the marathon, I sat in our hotel room after a short nap just feeling really kind of sick. What had I done now? What kind of hairbrained scheme had I gotten myself into this time? What the hell was I thinking? I can't do this. I'm not a runner. Who the hell am I kidding? Why do I do these things? Why do I always seem to back myself into a corner where I feel like it's do or die and I'd rather die than try and fail? Maybe if I go hang out in the parking lot for a bit I'll get mugged and beat up? Maybe if I go for a walk I'll get lucky adn get hit by a bus. Any of this would be better than failing. These are the things that go through my head while I concentrate on not puking my guts up.

Bob said I was just emanating tension. He felt so bad for me, he kept hovering, trying to "get me something" trying to pep talk me. He always knows I'm stressed about these things but I don't think he really knows HOW MUCH. He tries to tell me, it's just nerves, you'll do fine, you've got to trust your training etc..he's right I know, but still...

And then suddenly I'm calm again and I'm ready..lets just get it over with!

Sunday morning we wake up. I'm ready. I try to choke down a bagel because I know I need it, but I only manage about 3/4ths and give up. Better than nothing. I get dressed and decide I have to wear my cold weather gear over my warm weather gear. I forgo wearing my sweats over my shorts as previously planned till we get to the starting line because I'm so hot in the room I think I'm going to throw up. I'm not wearing them to run anyway so no biggie. It's cold and dark outside and I decide that the sunlotion purchased last minute was really a dumb idea. I toss it aside without putting any on.

They predicted 60 degrees today but I think it's only about 25-30 out right now. I'm freezing on the walk to the start line. It's a mile and a half away, a good warm up before the run in theory. We stop twice along the way so I can use the potty. damn nerves. And then suddenly I'm calm again. Bob gets out the video camera. I've given myself over to being on video. This is a once in a lifetime thing for me and I don't want to forget it. I let him take as much video of me as he wants, and even encourage T to video us both at the start line teasing him a bit on camera. ( I don't have access to this video yet or any of the photos so they'll all have to come later)

By prior arrangement, Tj is crewing for us. We have approximate times we'll meet him at the 12 mile mark. Bob will be right on target, but we give him a half hour window to watch for me. It's his job to be ready with a couple of fig newtons, extra gels to replace whatever I've used by that time, possibly a drink if the stations are out by the time I get there, and he'll take any clothes I decide to discard at that time as well as a photo and some video. He did fab, I only took one replacement gel from him, a couple of swigs of gatorade, and opted to keep my cold weather gear on.

The first half of the marathon went well. The starting gun went off and Bob and I crossed the start together 2 minutes later and didn't see each other again till mile 14. I did 5 miles in the first hour which was what I was hoping for and then 15 minute miles after on average. Some were much faster, some were much slower depending on potty breaks, drink stations, and the killer hill, but the average was 15 minute miles. For the most part this was a very flat course, just one bridge we had to cross twice in the first half of the marathon. After about mile 7 I think I felt very much alone. I'm what they call a "back of the pack runner" I'm very slow and there were only a small handful slower than me at that point. We ran through a military training base where there were barracks and there were two separate "receiving lines" out there of guys and gals in uniform out there to cheer us on. I can't tell you how much that helped me because at that point I was already feeling pretty much alone. The next person ahead of me was WAY ahead of me and I was struggling to keep them in view because I was afraid I'd get lost if I didn't. My name was printed on my race bib so as I passed through people were calling me by name and yelling encouragement. I took my earbuds out so I could hear it all and there were many many high fives as I ran through. It was seriously the best part of the first half of the marathon!

After getting through that section of base the course took me back out to the road and back over the bridge. That was the second time I met up with "Brian" a wheel chair racer. Brian didn't have a racing wheelchair, he was in what looked to me to be a regular chair..not the kind you see in the hospitals, it was one of the shorter kind, narrow at the bottom, but not a racing chair. He was struggling getting back up the hill and kept going into the concrete barrier to keep himself from rolling backward I think. I asked if anything I could do to help but he declined and I kept on. Alone again, i thought Brian was pretty much the only one behind me at that point. There was a couple ahead of me running in green costumes with HUGE festive hats on that stopped every few feet to take pics with interesting people or dogs or statues or whatever and it was really pissing me off that I was following them for almost 2 hours running my hardest and they were goofing off and walking half the time and I couldn't catch up or pass them. That was the first real blow to my ego at that time.

My breathing started getting loud like it does when I run really hard. VERY loud..as I passed people (tourists) on the boardwalk they would ask if I was ok, I just nodded and kept on. About mile 11 I think, on the boardwalk, Brian passed me. I couldn't keep up with him and he was rolling pretty slow. I really needed those fig newtons and a drink when I got to T at mile 12, but I a quick check of my watch revealed I was on schedule so I didn't worry too much about it.

After meeting T and going through "town" I started watching for Bob. I knew that I'd run into him somewhere between mile 14 and 16 so I kept my eye out. It was both inspiring and heartbreaking to see all the marathoners coming back through to the finish line knowing I still had almost 4 hours of running left. Yay for them, Boo for me. It was really cool though how about 2/3rds of them would call out to you and say "way to go Stacie, looking good, doing great, you go" etc. Very cool. It made me feel like I was part of the marathon experience when I didn't really feel like I was because I was 3-4 hours behind these people in terms of finishing. They were at mile 24 coming in, I was at 14 still going out. I met Bob right about then, a quick hug and congratulations and we were off again in 30 seconds. He looked like he was hurting and a bit rough but he was still smiling and encouraging me so I guessed it was all good. My brain was shot, I couldn't do the math to figure if he was still on schedule for his goal or not, and I was getting really shaky and weak.

I ran for another mile kind of alone again...the people ahead of me were pretty far ahead of me and there were very few people behind me at this point. I still hadn't taken a single walk break but had already stopped twice for porta potties. I started getting slower...16 minute miles, then 17 and change. I tried to step it up a bit but would only gain a few seconds and couldnt' get to 15's again..after that I hit a part of the course that was just HARD for me. At one point there was NO ONE within sight of me and it was kind of a woodsy sort of area. The road was closed, I didn't have to worry about traffic or anything like that, but when there's no one and you're running alone, there's no "carrot" for you to catch up to, it's just really hard to gauge your speed. Every so often there was a course official in their car, but I started thinking bad thoughts..."if I collapse out here it'll be 20 minutes or more before anyone finds me. If someone attacks me out here I'm too ragged to defend myself and no one will ever find me." The fear made me speed up the tiniest bit but I couldn't break 15 mins again.

There were little signs along the way that were kind of funny to read every few minutes and I found myself wondering what the next one would say. Or one would ask a question and I'd ponder the answer till I got to the next one. It was one foot in front of the other at this point and it was great to break up the monotony. A few moments later a very old man passed me. He was walking. I couldn't maintain pace with him and I couldn't pass him. A few minutes later another walker passed me and I couldn't stay with her either. Not much more demoralizing than having a walker pass you when you feel like you're running full out and you can't keep up with them! (walkers are registered as walkers, have different bibs, but are held to the same time limit as runners)

The next phase of the course was Ft. Story. As I entered base, only one half of the road was closed, so as I'm running, I'm passing cars going the opposite direction. It was more open and sunny but cold as all get out because of the wind. I was freezing. I had stopped sweating a long time beforehand. I came to a drink station, where one of the volunteers asked if I was alright because my breathing was loud and ragged again. I assured her I was fine, but as I stopped for my water I looked down the road and saw it close in on me and everything went black. I gripped the table dropped my water and ran because I was afraid if I didn't I'd pass out and they'd call medics to take me off the course. I don't think so!

A couple of miles later I saw Brian pulled to the side of the road resting. I offered him an extra gel, he declined and I kept on. He passed me again about 20 minutes later. I kept trying to calculate my time and knew by now I wasn't going to make my 6:30 goal but thought I still had the course limit of 7 hours in sight. I think I was still 5 miles out when a pace car came up next to me and rolled down the windows.

Heartbreak and panic ensued!

I took my earbud out and he said to me: "you're going to have to get in the car, we're going to have to drive you a little ways so you can finish on time otherwise you're not going to make it."
I looked over at him, said "NO! I BE FAST!" (praying he wouldn't notice my slurred speech) and without waiting for his response I took off. I ran as fast as I could, as if I was outrunning the bad guys. I'll be damned if I trained this hard for this long and got 21 miles to get in someones damn car! NO! I caught up to and passed a walker, and then a second walker, and then Brian. I looked at my watch..if I kept this up, I could do another 5 mile hour and I'd JUST make the time limit. I glanced behind me. The pace car was talking to the walker...I ran faster and caught 2 more walkers. My throat was on fire, my breathing louder than my music and I was pretty sure the pain in my left arm could very well be a heart attack after all...something I had ruled out at mile 15 due to my running posture. I glanced behind me for the pace car...and sped up just a bit. I was kinda mad about it....I didn't care if it cost me my medal I was going to finish this thing under my own steam if I had to crawl! If I got in a car even for a little bit I'd always know I didn't do it myself...I'd never feel like I ran a marathon. Worse still, I'd have to do this all over again because it's a life goal...no way In hell I'm doing this again! I sped up a bit.

I caught up to Wii man, A guy running all in green (you see a lot of that at a shamrock marathon) with Wii nintendo marathon edition logo on the back of his shirt, carrying green Wii controls and wearing headgear that may or may not have been Wii related. He and I passed each other off and on for about a mile or so before I thought I left him in the dust...I didnt' see him for about 15 minutes before he caught up to me, patted me on the shoulder, gave me thumbs up and took off like a bat out of hell. I tried to keep up with him but I couldn't. I glanced around for the pace car...I didn't see them but I didn' see anyone else either. At least I knew they didn't have any more room for me in the car.

I ran in solitude with Wii man slowly leaving my eyesight...I was out of fort story by now back on the road and now I was having trouble deciding if this was worth it..I'd outrun the pace car but now I wasn't sure if I wanted to just quit. This sucks! I thought again how I sure as hell didn't want to go through this again and I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. The sooner I get to the finish the sooner I could stop. I could't remember where I was..was I at mile 23? or 24? maybe I was at 25? I checked my watch...I knew I wasn't at 25 yet but prayed I was at least past 24 or I was screwed. I didn't think I was going to make it. I figured if I was a few minutes late they might still give me a medal for effort but I might get a DNF (did not finish) heartbreaking to think about, but at least I know I didn't get in a car. That was most important to me at this point...no car, just run, medal or no medal, dnf or not, at least I'd know I didn't quit no matter how bad I wanted to.

I looked over at a guy in a white van talking to me. It was another pace vehicle. I almost cried. I didnt' hear him due to my headphones but I yelled at him. "NO! I. DON'T. WANT. A. RIDE! NO RIDE!!!"
He smiled at me...."No ride hon...you're doing great! Hang in there!"
"Oh!" I smiled! "Thanks" and then I saw him yell something to a guy just ahead of me standing on my side of the road waving me down. There was another guy a few feet away kneeling down with a camera..."now what?" I thought to myself...it was another few feet before I realized it was Bob and T wondering where I was and if I was ok. I was later than they thought to the finish line so they were checking up on me. Bob ran along side me for a minute asking if I need anything. I couldnt' even talk, just shook my head and pointed straight ahead. He shouted encouragement and as I was heading back through the "towny" area I started seeing a lot of people with their medals around their necks walking back to their cars and tourists watching here and there and people saying "go Stacie" and "you're almost there, you're doing great, keep going" a bit later there was another drink station with a cop stepping out to hand me water..."NO TIME, I'm not going to make it" ......"OH you'll make it...you're almost there!" he shouts back at me...I tried to pick up the pace, I knew I wasn't going to hit the 7 hour mark. No way... but I wanted as close to it as I could come.

Mile 26. Bob's there at the mile 26 marker, I can see him ahead of me pointing to the marker and shouting ...people all over the boardwalk are shouting and I'm shocked there are this many people there to cheer in the last ones...they're usually long gone by the time I get to the finish line. I can see the finish in the distance and it looks so impossibly far away. I think I'm running faster now but I can't tell. I almost stop, I don't think my feet will move one more step. People are shouting and I can't hear anything. I take my earbuds out and shove them down my shirt. I have just enough clarity of mind to know I want to hear this. I pass the 26 mark..point two left. I blew the 7 hour goal and I wonder how long will it take to get the point two. People are still shouting. I think I'm smiling but I could be crying for all I know, I'm not sure. I see a car on the sidewalk where Bob is running along side video taping me. I wonder breifly if he gets hit should I stop and help him or cross the finish first? I don't remember my decision. I cross a line of some sort but the finish is still ahead..I try not to slow down but I'm confused, I ask the guy "did I finish?" No..keep going it's right there. I see a guy on the ground just past finish with a camera. I try to smile, I think I am but I don't know. I hear the announcer call my name and say something about "amazing athlete" I wonder if he's been drinking or if he's paid to say that about the last ones in. There's a medal around my neck with a piece of plastic over it. The clock said 7:03. I can't pull the plastic off my medal, I have no strength to pull it off. Bob and T are ahead of me waiting to hug me. My legs are rubber now, I'm pretty sure I smell awful, I know I look like hell. I think I might cry.

I have a medal. I just ran a marathon. I hurt. Where am I? I need to sit. I might never walk again. Check out this medal. I can't believe I just ran a marathon. Where's the food? I can't open my water. This medal is heavy. Where's the porta potties? I can't walk. OMG I just ran a marathon. I never thought I'd do it. I can't believe I just did it.


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Today I can barely move. Every muscle in my body hurts. My left arm feels like it's dislocated, my face and legs are burnt to a crisp. I whine like a baby going up or down stairs, standing or sitting is beyond painful and if I lay down I go numb from the neck down and it takes concerted effort to get back up again. I wouldn't change it for the world.

*isn't it the prettiest medal you've ever seen? I had to take it off for this photo, but it's been around my neck since I got it save for a shower and sleeping.*

*as of last night after checking the website, I dont' think Brian finished. and I may or may not have been the last one to cross the finish line. It's hard to tell yet...